The Voldemort Chronicles
by Hysterically Insane Author
Summary: A series of vignettes which show unseen and AU sides of our favourite Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort. This story will involve speedos, transvestites, porn stars, learning, sickness, sleepovers, punishments, dreams, dancing and so much more! Chapter 3 uploaded,
1. Voldemort’s First Love

**Title: The Voldemort Chronicles**

**Author: Hysterically Insane Author**

**Summary: A series of vignettes which show unseen and AU sides of our favourite Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort. This story will involve Speedos, transvestites, porn stars, learning, sickness, sleepovers, punishments, dreams, dancing and so much more!**

**Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Rainforest Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**

**Chapter 1 – Voldemort's First Love**

It was on an ordinary day that Lord Voldemort, the greatest, most evilest (not to mention best looking) Dark Lord in the world fell in love. He had started with his morning breakfast of dry toast and a goanna egg. He drank his morning banana juice and contemplated the fate of the world once it lay in his hands.

Lord Voldemort's day continued as he cloaked himself and made a personal visit to Mr Borgin, the proprietor of Borgin and Burkes, an establishment known for its Dark Arts objects. Voldemort required a particularly evil object and trusted only he could…_persuade_ Mr Borgin to give it to him, free of charge. Of course a few rictusempras always helped things along, particularly combined with the cruciatus curse.

Afterwards Voldemort went back to Riddle manor for a mid-morning nap. Lunch was next and Voldemort was delighted by the splendid soup which awaited him. However as he lifted the spoon from the table, preparing to dig it into the orange, viscous liquid he fell in love.

With his silvery, most shiny spoon.

Voldemort just loved the delicate engravings along its handle, so simple yet elegant. And its most highly polished handle seemed to scream "I love Purebloods!".

He knew it was wrong; Lord Voldemort did not need love. But he could not help himself; she was his spoon, his bel cucchiaio. He could never part from her long, so to avoid the despair he would feel when she was not with him he would carry her in his robes, right next to his heart.

He spent many days crooning love songs to his bel cucchiaio, or gently polishing her till she shone. No matter what he always put aside part of his day to spend with her, even if it meant not attacking that Gryffindork brat for another day. He needed her and wished to make her happy for he knew that once he overtook the world he would have even less time for her. He hoped that by spending as much time as possible with her before that time she would find it bearable.

He had told the Death Eaters, his faithful minions, about his new love. They had looked at him; they seemed to believe that their strong, most powerful Lord had gone round the bend. Of course he hadn't, he was only crazy in love. But they could not understand this for they had never loved. They knew "married" love, the "love" for a child, they loved to fuck, to torture and to kill but they did not know what true love was.

So they did not understand how their great Lord Voldemort could fall in love, let alone with an inanimate object.

Love is most definitely crazy.

_To be continued…_

**A/N: So that was chapter 1. Review and tell me what you thought about it while I write the next one.**

**I'm also open to suggestions for what you would like to see. **

**Now review!**


	2. Voldemort and Craig the Evil Toilet

**Title: The Voldemort Chronicles**

**Author: Hysterically Insane Author**

**Summary: A series of vignettes which show unseen and AU sides of our favourite Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort. This story will involve Speedos, transvestites, porn stars, learning, sickness, sleepovers, punishments, dreams, dancing and so much more!**

**Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Rainforest Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**

**Chapter 2 – Voldemort and Craig the Evil Toilet**

Lord Voldemort, like every other…human _thing_ has basic needs. So, Lord Voldemort needed to relieve himself. This was a daily ritual conducted with some annoyance by the Dark Lord as he wished he was immortal and powerful and no longer had the urges of human beings.

This ritual of relieving himself usually started at about five in the evening when he made his way to _his_ bathroom in the Riddle Manor. It was a most beautiful bathroom, bathed in colours of fluro pink, yellow and purple (Lord Voldemort loved to redecorate, twas his favourite hobby).

Once inside Voldemort would talk, quite strictly, to his toilet, Craig. This may have been his downfall, for he did it each day and each day the results were the same.

"Fuck off 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'! You ain't gonna use me, I told you that the last fucking time you were here!" Craig the Evil Toilet shouted.

"I told you to stop calling me that you stupid charmed toilet. I should never have charmed you!"

"Yeah, well I refuse to let you sit on me until you come up with plans that are more cunning then ones cheese come up with!"

"I do so come up with better plans than chunks of cheese! I would have had him in the Ministry of Magic, and the Prophecy is my Death Eaters weren't so damned stupid!"

"Oh yeah, blame it on your subordinates like you always do," Craig replied. "Maybe if you thought happy thoughts your plans might actually work. Of course better plans which aren't so girlie could also work."

"My plans are good you shit-smelling-orange-coloured-freakin'-toilet! So shut up!" Voldemort yelled.

"Oh my, just listen to those come backs, oozing intelligence they are. You know Voldie, are you sure this whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting old? I think you need a new angle," Craig suggested.

"My angle is perfectly fine I'll have you know!" Voldemort bellowed becoming angrier with each time Craig the Evil Toilet spoke.

"My angle is _per_-fectly fine I'll have you know," Craig repeated in a sing-song-y voice.

"Stop repeating me Craig you stupid Evil Toilet!"

"Haha so you admit that I am more evil then you!" Craig shouted triumphantly.

"Never, I am the most evilest, most powerful and best looking Dark Lord!" Voldemort cried.

"Sorry to break it to you Tommy Boy but no one who is really and truly evil can be mildly depressed or a bit of a control freak so that rules you out," Craig explained patiently.

"I am not depressed or a control freak!"

"Yeah whatever Voldie-poo," Craig said, growing tired of poking fun at the supposed great Dark Lord.

Craig began to spit geckos at Voldemort who ran, scared, to Wormie for comfort.

_To be continued…_

**A/N: So, what do you think of this chapter?**

**Once again suggestions are welcome. **

**Thanks for reviewing, please review again!**


	3. Voldemort and the Geckos

**Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Rainforest Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.**

**Chapter 3 – Voldemort and the Geckos**

Craig the Evil Toilet spitting geckos at Voldemort was not a normal occurrence, Glumbumbles, Flobberworms and Streelers were however perfectly normal. So Voldemort was not expecting these hideously freakish and ugly animals to come flying from Craig's mouth and was suitably distressed when they did.

Craig himself began to laugh delightedly after he had watched Voldemort run, scared to Wormtail. How happy he was now that he knew that Dolohov's information has been correct. Who ever would have thought that Lord Voldemort supposedly the greatest Dark Lord in the world was afraid of geckos? The world was becoming curiouser and curiouser.

Meanwhile Wormie was trying his damndest to calm the distressed man who currently resided in his arms. However that was not to be as Voldemort continued to snuggle into Wormie's arms as he cried. It was then that Wormtail knew he had to teach his Master a harsh lesson, for if Harry Potter were to know if his fear of geckos there would be no end to the disgusting mudbloods.

So, Wormtail did the probably the bravest thing in the world, he dropped the Dark Lord on the ground. As he did so he shouted, "You have got to stop acting like such a Nancy boy…Master."

Now Voldemort had stopped crying the second he hit the ground only for his eyes to well up when he heard Wormtail's command. It was this tear stained face with its thin, invisible wobbling lip that caused Wormtail to stoop and hug the poor baby.

"My Lord I am so sorry, but it is true. If Harry Potter were to ever discover your fear why, you would not win, no matter how stupid the boy is," Wormtail said gently.

"I know, it's just… hiccup… so hard… hiccup… 'cause they're so… hiccup… scary. But I'll try… hiccup… 'cause I wanna win," Voldemort sniffled.

"I know they're scary, they really aren't all that natural, particularly the way their tails continue to wiggle after they are cut from their body. Do you remember they time we killed that gecko together using the broom? Hmm?" Wormtail asked.

"Yes," Voldemort replied. "That was when I sprayed him with Mrs Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover. I hated the way it jumped off the wall, right onto my leg. But you saved me Wormie, thank you."

"That's all right my Lord, I like saving you from the geckos. And killing them makes me feel like a man," Wormtail confided.

"Really?" Voldemort asked.

"Yes," Wormtail replied. "I am really just a man with a small penis and saving my Master from small animals I feel as though my life is fulfilled."

"That's nice," Voldemort replied. "Will you take me to bed now? Please?"

"I would love to."

_To be continued…_

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and please, question my insanity no longer. The answer is clear after all.**

**Please review before the dancing hoola hoops get you! **


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